Awakening

Such depth of heart
An ocean of love
Most is of Him
The rest, not enough

My words are very few
My eyes are my voice
Nothing from my mouth
Would suffice for more than noise

What my lips cannot express
My heart cannot contain
My love for you
Pulses life through my veins

Awaken the depth
Bring it forth, raise it up
This Spirit in me
My God, Your love.

Bare fruit.

The barren tree lies waste
Offers no fruit, nothing to taste
Only dying limbs
But life remains within

The leaves have given in
Plummeted to their end again
Now it stands so thin
No covering for what it's always been.

The heart becomes like limbs
Cracks and breaks when bent
Reaching for what's sent
But blown and tossed by wind

I'm crying out towards you
Tell me my deepest fears aren't true
Tell me the old has been made new
Tell me more than this is due

The season comes and goes
What once was dead, now grows
I think I'm seeing green
Finally the covering

The tree now stands so tall
It has so far again to fall
Pray the next time I'm made bare
I'll root myself and feel the wear.

Hope is trusting in His Goodness.

The outward gaze
The inward Need
Brought to a place
Where all is freed

I've chosen to tell of
The Need within
A step of Trust
My heart of sin

The Need exposed
No means to fill
Leaves me vulnerable
To Your will

What if Your will
Is not as mine?
Mine is relief
Yours Divine

What if my Need
Is never filled?
What if my hopes
Are never stilled?

Better to be Yours
Though never whole
Than to receive all things
And lose my soul

My heart..... Wellspring

A well.

Wells have been my symbolic representation of life since I was a freshman in highschool. I was sitting in my Geography class and was reading John 4 (the Samaritan woman at the well). I knew that God wanted to reveal something to me in that chapter. And I’ve waited ever so patiently for Him to show me its application for my life ever since.

And He has.

In small doses.

Here and there.

Through people’s words.

Through experiences.

Through Revelations.

And every time it happens, I sense the Holy Ground experience.

I become ever aware of the Divine circumstance in which I stand and His presence fills.

This heart transformation has once again occurred with this well story.

Jesus states to the woman at the well: “If you knew the gift of God and who it is that asks you for a drink, 

you would have asked him and he would have given you living water.”

He then continues with: “Everyone who drinks this water will be thirsty again, but whoever drinks the water I give him will never thirst. Indeed, the water I give him will become in him a spring of water welling up to eternal life. “

I struggled with this verse.

I wrestled with its words and implications.

At times, it offended.

Because, I thirst.

I’m thirsty.

So I then begin to wonder: “Do I know of God’s gift? “Have I not asked for the Living Water?” “What is wrong with me that I thirst, though I believe?”

It’s amazing the depths of the Word and all of the layers involved with each life-transforming story.

It’s amazing that a chapter’s application can change with time, as I change with time, and as my season of life 

transforms.

Yet the Words are consistent.

But these consistent Words have resonated into a deeper layer of my heart.

I had always viewed this verse as a source of filling.

My needs being met.

But perhaps it is a source of outpouring.

Not an outside coming in mentality.

But an overflow of the heart.

Perhaps it is not about an accumulating of water.

But instead it’s an overflowing, spilling out, gushing spring.

This “spring of water” was not meant to be kept, held onto, stifled.

But given, shared, freely.

To give from the eternal life that never fails.

He never ends.

But only overflows.

 It’s love going deeper, becoming abundant, more natural, and consuming.

“Now this is eternal life: that they may know you, the only true God, and Jesus Christ, whom you have sent (John 17:3).”

Christ’s prayer for us.

To know Him.

The Source.

And this Christ is love.

And He lives within me.

I am free to love freely, in abundance.

Because I know Him.

The Eternal life.

My home, His light

Lately, my heart is being taught to rest. And to cling to Truth, when all that surrounds is shadows.
It's a daily choosing.
A form of surrender to God's ultimate omnipresence.
When all you see is darkness, but know the Father, and can't make resolution of the inconsistency: a God of love & a night of darkness.
But the shadow is a form of evidence. It's evidence of the light. It proves the existence of light.
There can't be shadows without light.
When in the shadows, then, one must choose.
To believe in the power of light, rather than the power of darkness.
To cling to Truth and wait upon the Lord.
But it's so tempting.
To believe in the lie.
The lie that the light was just a mirage.
That the light is really just evidence of the darkness.
And the shadow is reality.
And that is the ultimate lie:
That we were created to be at home in darkness, for this is where we belong.
But even this lie cannot escape His light.
For "If I go up to the heavens, you are there; if I make my bed in the depths, you are there." 
And He is the light. And He is through all and in all. 
So the Light will be the one clinging, He will be the One who never abandons, or leaves, or forsakes.
We cannot escape our home.
He is, He was, He will always be.
We cannot lose.
Surrender.
It isn't losing.
It's true freedom.
The very thing that the Evil One claims we lose, is the very thing that enables us to gain all.
Trust.
Trust that God is who He claims to be: loving, gracious, compassionate. Slow to anger and abounding in love.
If I say, “Surely the darkness will hide me and the light become night around me,” even the darkness will not be dark to you; the night will shine like the day, for darkness is as light to you"


My Home..... His light¹² 

Open Hands

I have this faulty belief in the power of man. I believe that man can fill, satisfy, and complete me. I never intended to believe it. The seed was planted and the lie crept in stealthily. I've always been taught that God is the Ultimate Provider of all things and that only He can truly satisfy us. My actions have shown that this is what I believe, but in my heart of hearts, I still think that He is holding out on me. That perhaps there is more satisfaction to be found in the eyes of man.

This is my vice.
The lie I've fallen prey to.
My lie.

I have sought out two extremes. On the one end, I hide inside myself with my God in order to ignore my need and keep myself from needing others, and on the other end, I feel the need of others so deeply that I lose sight of God. I am beginning to understand that both extremes are less than all God had intended for us in being in loving community.

It's a letting go.
Everything is a letting go.
Letting go of pride.
Letting go of people.
Letting go of understanding.
And letting go of control.

It's trusting God to know what you need when you need it.
It's not manipulating and coveting relationships.
It's a trust in the deep love that God has for me.

In reality, all of this back and forth between isolation and dependence is a lack of trust. I am seeking to fill my own needs. Either by isolating and manipulating God into filling them, or by depending on others to fill them. Neither avenue is rooted in an understanding of who my God is. For He has already given me every gift under Heaven. He is in all and through all.

The need itself cannot be bad, for Christ Himself had needs.
However, His avenue of filling those needs was rooted in God.
He opened His hands to receive every gift under Heaven.
When we clench tightly, we lose a gift.

It's a humble receiving.
It's all a letting go.

Eyes to see

My dad recently told me a story concerning something I said when I was younger that was a perspective changer for him, and has now become one for me. We were making our way up the driveway to our country home and my dad was taking notice of all the yard work that had yet to be done. What particularly caught his eye was the multitude of yellow weeds that had arisen out of the needing to be mowed grass in our front yard. Before he could utter his contempt of the weeds, I turned to my dad and declared their beauty. "Dad, look at all of those pretty yellow flowers growing in our yard!!" My dad told me many years later that that was a changing day for him. He saw the plants though the eyes of a child who hadn't yet been informed by the world what Beauty was and wasn't.

After listening to this story, I realized how much my perspective has changed since my childhood years. I began to wonder when this change in me occurred? When did I begin to define what could and couldn't be declared beautiful? Further, when did I begin to view things as not capable of being of God or from God? When did weeds become ugly? Was it the weeds themselves that changed, or was it the eyes through which the weeds were seen?

When did I become blind to Beauty?

I've wrestled with this concept: Beauty.
Things being of God or from God.
Accepting certain gifts from God and rejecting others.
But if God is "in all and through all", then is He not apart of the ugly?
Isn't He the one that makes them Beautiful?
Isn't that me?
Aren't I the weed that needs to be looked at through the eyes of One who sees me as beautiful?
Shouldn't I have those eyes as well?

So I'm left with a yearning: I so desperately want to see!
I want to see Beauty as He created it.
To see awakening.
To see life.
To see like Him where everything is Beautiful in time. (Eccl. 3:11)
To see Him in all things. 
Because to witness Life. Beauty. Him. is indeed to be Alive. 
And there is always Life to be found.
I just need eyes to see.

rest assured

Pain is often avoidant.
Swept under the rug.
Minimalized.
Candy-coated.
When it is discussed openly, it becomes an intellectual conversation.
A conversation of the past.
It's as though we become strong when we discuss our weaknesses. We don't absorb them or allow them into our sense of identity. Instead, we place these negative emotions in the past tense. It's easier to claim those "past" painful experiences because it assumes that now, in the present, we are strong and are not in pain. We are no longer those weak individuals that experienced pain.

However, when I do, on occasion, decide to allow another into my pain, I find something unexpected.

Something beautiful, and yet terrifying.
Something warm and inviting, while at the same time humbling.
A sigh of relief in the midst of terror.
A hope for something new.
I find Grace.


And during this period of humility, His grace is sufficient.
Not because I am making it sufficient for me.
Not because it should be sufficient.
But because it is.
Currently.
Always.
Forever.
I am free to be in the midst of pain.
I am free to experience it without manipulating it.
Without cleaning it up.
Without justifying it.

I can just be...... fully embraced in the grace of God.
At rest.
At peace.
Free.

Drying Out

It's ugly.

It's messy. 

It's confusing. 

It's an emptying. 

But not a forced emptying on my part. Rather a passive emptying. I will use an analogy that has become quite useful in my processing: 

I am a well and desire to be full of water. Effort has been spent finding bucket after bucket to fill my rather large well. 

I'm tired. 

I'm still not full. 

And I'm depleted. 

Done trying. 

No more buckets. 

It's as if I am finally standing still and watching my well slowly dry out and all of my vain efforts of "filling" it becoming useless. 

It's a process of emptying. 

I've spent years trying to keep myself full. Never wanting to truly see what lies at the bottom of the well. Full for others. Full to keep my needs at a distance. Full to keep people at a distance. While at the same time claiming closeness. And perhaps sometimes there was closeness, but it never satisfied because it wasn't always genuine. I would become frustrated. I was frustrated because I would begin to hand others buckets as well hoping that maybe they had enough endurance to fill my well. But they couldn't. 

These efforts caused me to feel even more alone. Alone in my filling. Alone in my efforts. Hoping for that person/circumstance who would come with a large bucket and save me from my my fear of emptiness. 

I longed for that. 

I longed to be at peace.... at rest... whole..... full. 

I've prayed for this fulfillment while at the same time throwing bucket after bucket of water into my well. But God has taken my buckets (tweetable). haha! He has taken them away one by one. Now I am in the midst of waiting. Waiting for my well to dry out, and to finally see what lies at the bottom. 

Waiting for God to fill. 

Waiting for God to act. 

And in a way, He is. He is taking away me efforts, my clutches, my false senses of security. 

And so I wait. But the waiting is painful. Especially when all of the survival mechanisms that I have adopted are seeking to quench my thirst and fill my well.

However, my soul reminds me that if I drink this water, I will only be thirsty again. 

So I wait..... And that's where I am at....... waiting and clinging to the promise that "whoever drinks the water He gives me will never thirst. Indeed the water He gives me will become in me a spring of water welling up to eternal life." 

This is my promise. 

My hope. 

My Salvation. 

He is my Living Water. 

Lessons from Transition

Transition is always a time of growth for me because it involves such upheaval, trust, and grief. I thought it was important to look at the positive aspects of the transition (growth), and be thankful for my experiences.

1) Everyone has needs, not everyone communicates them.
2) Everyone is worth it because God's image is implanted in them.
3) Give grace, b/c oftentimes you are receiving grace and don't even know it
4) God is the source through which thirst is quenched.
5) He is a Personal God working in Personal ways

Blessings from Brokenness and Broken Vehicles

Life has been beyond crazy! And beyond me! I was recently involved in a car accident where I was left carless and sore. The week that the accident occurred was a week that consisted of much homework as well as a 40+ hour work week starting at 8am and ending somewhere near midnight. There was no way that I was going to be able to make it to work everyday by 8am and get a ride home every night at midnight after work! I was stuck.... and in need....

The great thing about God is that He knows our needs before we do. Through this unfortunate circumstance, my needs were met in every circumstance without me even having to think about fulfilling them myself. Right after the accident happened, I immediately attempted to get out of the car (which was an epic fail b/c I was  little disoriented) and I was escorted to the back of a friend's vehicle where I was consoled and comforted in the midst of my shock. My friend's fiance went and took pictures of my car, talked with the police, talked with the individual that was in the accident with me, and cleaned out my car of all of things I need. Oh and this was after he bought me lunch! We became friends to say the least. My friend sat in the back of the car and explained everything that happened and really comforted me and encouraged me! She allowed me to feel and didn't pass judgment on my feelings. Luckily, I was only blocks from the Wigger house. This leads me to my next moment of grace.... The Wigger House

This house is unique. I had only known these girls for two weeks, and yet they cared for me as though I were family. I was given back rubs for my soreness, medication for my aches, community for my loneliness, blankets for my lack of warmth, car rides, a place to rest my head, food for my hunger, and most of all love. This has been one of the biggest blessings in my life! Who could have ever guessed that being in an accident could bring so much blessing. But I guess that is just how my God works. He makes seemingly ugly circumstances and turns them into moments where His face is seen most clearly. However, with great blessing, also comes great attack...... insecurity.

I hate not being able to care for myself, and being a burden on anyone. It's my pride. I do not want to need! It's so uncomfortable! It's also more uncomfortable to need when I can't fill it myself! But I guess that's how God designed us..... to need each other! I felt overwhelmed by the kindness that was shown to me, but began to feel insecure as I realized how much people were giving me without me having the opportunity to give back. This is Satan's way of skewing something so Divine. I felt this sudden need to earn their kindness and to work for the blessings that were given to me. However, the more I tried, the more insecure I became. It was a vicious cycle that spiraled down into a deep feeling of defeat! I COULD NOT earn it! I COULD NOT work for it! For one of the first times in my life, I was loved and cared for despite anything I offered. I was just loved for being a child of God: a child in need.

This experience has left me speechless, but has also opened my eyes to what love is." Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres." This is what Love is. This is what He is. This is how he views me, despite how I view/treat Him because He is LOVE! It is in His nature to be this. And I saw this God in action in the hearts of four girls... 


I'm broken, but more whole than I've ever been. I'm scared, but know where to place my confidence. I'm in need, but am resting in the promise that it will be filled. Thanks be to God my Father in Heaven for loving His child. For taking care of me. For loving me. I am blessed. Not because of what I've done, but because of who He is! I lay low in the weight of His grace.