January 30th, 2013.
This day, this 24 hour period, changed me. It continues to
change me. I remember it vividly, while simultaneously trying to dim its
memory. For it is painful, a pain ridden day. I am baffled how one day can
shape the course of your life. How it can leave you white faced, airless, and
so close to what I imagine being hell. Even putting this day on paper shakes
me. But life is all about redemption and the process of overcoming, or letting
Him overcome.
The day started off like any other. I woke up, got dressed,
and headed to work. The battle had already begun for me. It had begun about a
month ago. I struggled. This is after all the human condition – the struggle
for one’s soul. I didn’t think much of myself at the time. I focused mainly on
my mistakes, forgetting who I was. I needed to be reminded. I sought to
remember people’s words who knew my heart. I remembered Jay’s words first. He
really believed that I was something special. I clung to those words as I
stepped out of my car for work. Perhaps his words could drown out the other
voices.
I sat at my office desk and realized that I had nothing on
my schedule for the day. One thing Jay always told me was to seek wisdom from
the Lord, and that He WILL provide me the direction to go. So when I needed
words, I went to the Word. I read James. That was Jay’s favorite book.
An hour later, I received a phone call from my father. I
didn’t answer. I was at work and typically didn’t take personal calls unless of
course it was an emergency. It was out of character for my dad to call me
mid-day because he also was at work. I expected a voicemail, but none came. I
thought, “how sweet, he just wanted to call and talk to me during his lunch
break that he must have taken an hour later than usual.” But shortly after, I
received a text message. It said, “You need to call me”. Immediately, I left my office to prepare for
the worst possible news my dad could give me. I walked to the printer while
simultaneously thinking about all the family members that could have passed in
order to prepare myself emotionally. How would I respond? Would I tell anyone? Can
I take time off to go to a funeral? What
am I going to feel when he tells me? Why am I immediately jumping to the
conclusion that someone has died?!?
God created our bodies to naturally tense before the blow. He
knew the words that were going to be spoken.
I returned to my office and closed the door behind me. No
sense in burdening anyone else with whatever news I was about to hear. I sat
down at my desk and returned my dad’s call.
“Hello”
“Hey dad…… what’s wrong?”
“Where are you at?”
“I’m in my office with the door closed….. what happened?”
“Jay Lavender had a heart attack today and died”
(silence)…… then the breaking…….
I hadn’t prepared myself. My body hadn’t tensed for that
news.
I tried standing up….. maybe pacing would help…… maybe that
would help my mind grasp the words that my father was saying.
But I couldn’t stand.
How can one hold the weight of the world when it is falling
apart?
I dropped to my knees.
I acquainted myself with the patterned carpet of my office,
held my heart in my hands, and broke.
“I’m so sorry baby”
My dad always calls me baby when he senses my fragility. He
knew my fragile heart was a gift, but that today it would be my curse.
My dad’s words were coming from his own broken heart. He
knew that I had been struggling. He knew that my mistakes and shortcoming were
constantly at the forefront of my mind and that relief was what I was waiting
for. He knew that I needed a miracle, but that what he had to give me was loss.
“There are people that settle within your heart, and leave
holes there when they leave” he said to me.
I had already been filling holes. But this one was gaping.
“I wish I were there”
“Me too” I replied.
But deep inside, I knew that if he saw me in the state I was
in, his heart would break. And I didn’t want anymore hearts to break.
There were many long silences and heavy sighs left to our
conversation. Then we said our goodbyes.
I wondered if my father was next. Would that be the last
time I spoke with him?
“I love you dad”
Just in case.
I spent the remaining hour taking phone calls from friends
who had just heard the news from their loved ones.
The conversations were
similar….
Neither of us could believe it.
Neither knew what to do.
Neither knew what it meant.
Death was never meant
to be grasped.
I left the office. I didn’t tell anyone what had just
occurred moments before only walls away. I didn’t know what to say. And part of
me didn’t know if they would care. Or maybe I didn’t want them to care. Too
much concern would make it real.
I walked to my car trying to grasp what my world now meant
with Jay no longer a part of it. What did I mean now that Jay wasn’t a part of
it?
I got in my car and started on my way home. I shouldn’t have
been driving, but my phone had just died and I had left my charger at home.
I didn’t want to be without my phone…… just in case.
I came to a stop sign and stopped. But was too ambitious to
get home and pulled out too early.
Everything was just too
much.
I hit another car and sent it spinning 180% from where it
started.
Immediately, I jumped out of the car and ran towards the
other vehicle. It was an elderly woman. She was holding her heart, asking me to
call 9-1-1 because she was having a heart attack.
Why so many broken hearts today?
My phone was dead…… so was Jay.
She’s having a heart attack…… so did Jay.
I put on my brave face….. one that I had worn far too long. I
got in her purse, found her phone, called the
police, and held her hand…. Her
name was Katherine. I had wished someone would have held my hand.
Maybe
Katherine was a gift.
I held her hand, and did breathing techniques until the
police came. The police checked her out while I repeatedly told her how sorry I
was.
How much more sorrow?
Katherine was having a panic attack.
She lived.
Praise God.
I completed my way home. When I walked into the house, I saw
two faces. But they were strangers to me in that moment. For over the past two
hours, I had changed. And they no longer knew me.
I went back out to my car and drove away. I parked at a
church.
Isn’t that where broken people are supposed to go?
Sometimes when there is unspeakable pain, people do
unspeakable things. Mine was committed that day.
I wondered what Jay would think. I wondered what the Lord
thought. I wondered if others would forgive my waywardness. I wondered if they
could ever see me as having worth again. I wondered if there would ever be a
day where I could forgive myself for choosing other than God in a moment of
weakness.
That was January 30th, 2013.
Started off like any other day. But ended in tragedy, accidents,
and failure.
There is this child. Her name is Eleanor. And she has won my
heart.
Eleanor was born January 29th, 2013.
One day before my worst day.
24 hours before my breaking.
Eleanor’s name means “light”. And she has been mine. She has
taught me what it means to have joy and what it means to be dependent on the
Lord. When I walk into a room, her eyes light up and her smile makes my heart
melt.
Doesn’t everyone wish to be looked at like that? With such
love and acceptance?
I met Nora about a month ago. And I have since fallen in
love.
I was told her birthday was January 29th and I
froze. For since January 30th, all days have seemed to exist in
relation to that day. I did not understand how something so Divine as Nora
could exist so close to a day that I had deemed cursed.
24 hours.
Is 24 hours the distance of time that exists between someone’s
Heaven and another’s Hell?
One day.
I love that God can bring life into the world as quickly as
He allows it to cease. How He gives life and takes it away. And how both point
to Him.
For in Jay’s death, and my own self-destruction, in the
darkness, I found Him. But I have also found Him in the Eyes of Light, in the
eyes of a Babe. He is found in Heaven, but also in the Depths. Nowhere can I
escape His love.
Nora paved the way. God gave me Light so that I could see in
the coming darkness.
I see now.
And isn’t everything Beautiful in Time.
