Moments of Grace

I've recently been wrestling with grace. I've wrestled with its relief as well as with its lack of expectation. I'm a woman of meeting expectations. I love to please people and give people reasons to be proud of me or satisfied with my strivings and accomplishments. This allows me to have false feelings of control about how individuals feel/think about me. But grace.... I struggle with grace. I struggle with its freedom and its continuity. I struggle with its lack of standards and its inclusiveness. Because in all these things, I am left with no control. No means of earning anything. I am just left in my being with grace holding me. It's such a beautiful concept. An idea that we all secretly hope for and yet struggle to accept. This baffles me. Is it that we believe it is too good to be true? Or is it our pride keeping us in the dark about our true need for this sort of lavishing of God's love?
Today I'm grateful because even when I feel as though I am not accepting grace.....grace covers. It engulfs my entire being, swallowing all of my mistakes, shortcomings, false humility, and skewed beliefs. Grace has covered me in the times when I refused to accept it. Grace has covered me when I deemed it as unnecessary. Grace is, was, and always will be. I cannot escape it because I belong to the One who is relentless! And His grace is sufficient!

Unrest

There is a feeling that comes over me every once in a while. Most I think would define this feeling as loneliness, but I find that it runs much deeper. It is a feeling sort of like panic, or like I'm missing out on something, or am the odd one out. My heart seeks a comfort, or a substance to hold onto and entrench myself in in order to avoid whatever it is that I'm fearing. I find that this feeling comes more from an unrestful heart. My heart is often not filled with the peace that God promises to give through His spirit, and so I panic.....needing to find something to fill. I seek something that will comfort or satisfy. There is still this underlying feeling of dissatisfaction. Often I wonder why the search continues......
When God gives me times of rest, I feel as though I try to stifle the gift through my "chasing after the wind". God often speaks of peace as coming from knowing Him. The more I feel this unrest, the more I begin to believe in  this peace that comes solely from God. Being able to just be, and being ok with it. haha! This is something I need to desperately take a hold of. To just breathe in deep and exhale all of my strivings. Take a hold of each moment as He hands it to me and be thankful for it. I think that if I learned to live in this state of peace and rest, my focus would be different and my heart content.
"Be still and know that I am God"

Beauty in Simplicity

I was sitting with a group of friends last night and we were watching a movie and just enjoying each other's company.  Near the end of the movie, I gazed around the room and watched their faces as they reacted to the scenes that were playing and felt so proud to be considered their friend knowing that it wouldn't be long before I would not have the opportunity to be with them as consistently after I graduate.  At first, I became grieved feeling a sense of loss. However, moments later, I had this overwhelming sense of fullness and gratefulness that God has allowed me to know these beautiful individuals and their hearts.  I was given a glimpse into something that God sees in us everyday.  There is such a joy in knowing one another, even if the things we know aren't always good characteristics.  I feel so blessed and privileged to see an individual as God sees them even if only a glimpse.  It was a weird scenario to feel such a sense of joy, but at the same time felt so fitting.  We were just being together and just being. When I look back on my college experience, I will definitely remember those grande moments of revelation and deep senses of emotion, but I will also remember the quiet moments that often go unnoticed.  "Beauty is in the eye of the beholder".  If I am looking through His eyes, then there is much beauty to behold.