Between Us

I entered her room and watched her lungs give and take. 

She was sleeping. And hopefully dreaming. She has so much to hope for in her dreams.

My aunt is 47. She has had multiple strokes, and is unable to move the right side of her body. Cancer is swallowing her slowly. 

Too slowly.

And we are all just waiting for her body to forfeit.

We have been waiting for 11 months.

In this waiting period, there are moments of hope and utter despair. 

We go back and forth between desiring her with us, and desiring for her to have real Life on the other side of eternity.

I walked into her room alone.

I felt alone.

I wonder if this is how she feels.

I sit down in a chair next to her bed and dream with her. 

I watch her chest move up and down, and begin to dread the day that it won’t. 

I pay close attention to every detail, seeking to absorb her into my being. 

Seeking to implant her into my memory so that when I close my eyes, she will always be with me.

I see her face cringe in pain.

The pain even intrudes her dreams.

I feel my jaw lock as I fight back tears.

And I become angry.

Angry at the injustice. Angry at the lack of peace. Angry that I am helpless.

She awakens and focuses her eyes on me. 

My heart begins to race for I am also dreading the moment when she may not recognize me anymore.

Her face changes as her eyes focus.

Her expression speaks what she cannot.

She knew me.

She reached her functioning hand towards mine and grabbed it tightly as she looked into my eyes. 

I don’t speak. 

For that doesn’t seem fair.

I saw her reach for the tumor that is escaping her body on her right side.

She winces.

I wince.

Hers from the pain in her body.

Mine from the pain in my heart.

 

Our fingers are interlaced, but were restless. 

Both were searching. 

One for relief.

The other for answers.

I began to scratch her arm slowly.

My mother always did that for me when I wasn’t feeling good.

Her eyes became heavy.

She fought to stay awake for me.

And I was fighting for her dreams.

Gravity won her eyes, but love won her dreams.

I pleaded with God while she slept.

I begged for Him to give her relief. 

I bargained.

I questioned.

What could I say to sway Him?

What could I give to change his mind?

Who did I need to become for Him to hear me?

I met the side of God that day that I most feared: silence.

I couldn’t feel Him.

And I searched desperately.

Ravenously.

And then she awoke.

And I was awakened.

She squeezed my hand and I saw a tear fall from her eyes.

And there He was. 

Between us.

Where we met.

I felt Him between the clasp of our hands. 

I felt Him when our eyes met.

I felt Him as my lips touched her head.

I felt Him somewhere between me and her. 

In a space that only love can inhabit.

And I realized that this space is eternal.

It is Him.